You are worth it

Hi! So many you don’t know me and that’s ok. I try not to be someone that is noticeable. All of you know me as that girl who sits in the corner of the class who quietly gets straight A’s and reads her 400 page novel. Well, I do do that. But what I also do is watch you all. That’s right. I’m a creeper too. But seriously, I watch you all everyday. I listen to what you talk to each other about and I see you in the hallways everyday. If you thought that no one noticed that you started to wear long sleeves after your dog died, I noticed. If you thought no one could tell that you stopped eating lunch after that guy dumped you for the cheerleader, I noticed. If you think that you’re being slick when you go to the bathroom for 10 minutes and come back smelling like the inside of a Jamaican music store and 20 canisters of AXE body spray, the you obviously are just stupid. The point is that I see you. I see you guys trying to be cool in order to feel whole. I see you crying over a test you got a 93 on. I see the light in your eyes slowly go out everyday. I just want you guys to know that it will be ok. You will survive. You will make it and have a great story to tell others and encourage them. I know this because that was me. I was like you all. I’m still like you all. But I’m here to tell you that I don’t want you to feel like I feel. You deserve better. We all deserve better. This is what we will have as long we remind ourselves that we are worth it. You are worth. I am worth. Always count your blessings instead of your worries. And if someone tries to rain on your parade, just poke them in the eye with your umbrella.

Muffy Letter Monologue

(Walking about Betty who is tied to a chair) Hey there Betty! How are you? Good. Oh me? I’m great. Just a little giddy. (Giggles hysterically) I have just accomplished one of the things I have been dreaming of just about since freshman year when you pulled my skirt down in front of everyone when I was giving my acceptance speech for Student Council President. But you weren’t always such a little maggot now were you? No. We used to be friends.

     Remember when you first came to kindergarten with that horrible lisp? I was the only person who would sit with during recess and we shared orange slices. It was just you and I up until sixth grade when you got a glorious makeover and a new goal to ruin my life. I mean, you made everyone call me Fugly Heifer instead of Muffy Letter. In the seventh grade when we finally got to take showers, you took my clothes and snapped pictures of me and taped them all over the school. Then you tried to make it seem like I was selling my underwear on eBay. When I got to do my solo in the eighth grade, you had all of the jocks throw raw meat and eggs at my screaming “Heifer! Heifer!” There was that time in freshman year where you photocopied my journal entries and got the literary arts magazine to make its whole March issue about my “mental disabilities”. Then there was that time in tenth grade I got a car and you stuffed dead fish under all of the seats. “I didn’t know that cows ate fish!” (Screams that last line and then calms down)

     But I had something that really pissed you off. Your brother, Roman, who was totally in love with me. We have been secretly together since I was in the fifth grade. Then you couldn’t handle it. So you took me to this party as a way to “make up” for everything. I got a little drunk and then one of your boy toys started to assault (screams that word) me then proceeded to throw me down the stairs. I tried to walk out only to have the lacrosse team shove me around until I puked and you all poured beer on me. But when I went to tell your brother the only thing he saw were pictures of me “making out” with another guy. So you then turned the only person who ever showed me love against me.

     After that all of the pictures on Facebook about my being a trollop and photo shopping my yearbook picture into a Craigslist advertisement. So eventually everything calmed down to my Valedictorian speech on Graduation Day. I gave my speech and at the end a video played of all of my “greatest hits”. It featured my getting assaulted by that boy toy and a slide show of those seventh grade pictures with Jason Derulo playing in the background talking about how I was a horrible example to the next generation. So you asked everyone what we should do about this viral trollop. Then everyone screamed simultaneously “Kill the Heifer!” But who’s going to die today Betty huh? Huh? Who!?!? (Starts to giggle and then laughs that turns into screams and then throws chair and slams table) You did this to yourself. You know that right? You know this is your fault, correct?

     Before I got you I met your precious Brad at a bar. We had an amazing time in the backseat of his car since I know that’s so dear to you. Then I burned the car with him in it. Oh! And you know Darla right? Well I got her too! Yeah, I met her at the gym. She called me Heifer since she doesn’t know my name and then went to take a shower. Well, I made sure she got extra clean. Let’s see, she used Dove soap, a really nice lofa, and a shower of sulfuric acid. And who knew how easy it was to lock shower doors? (Laughs out loud) (Sighs) Now it’s your turn to die. And don’t worry. I’ll make it very very painful. But simple. I can’t take care of everyone else from jail so I need to keep them a little boring.

     Oh, and Betty, you know that I was going to spare you? Yeah, up until I found out that you told Yale all about my little home video. Because you thought it would be cute to tape my first time with your brother and put online. Oh yeah! 8.7 million views and counting! (Beat) You had to do that. You had to kill that one dream of me leaving. What? What was that? You’re sorry? Sorry!?!?! (Goes hysterical) (Goes to turn the valve) Now I’m off to take care of everyone else. And I won’t stop until everyone who participated will feel my wrath. If you do make it out of here, I’ve already arranged an APB out for you. Mentally unstable and will kill for food. I know that in revenge you’ll have to build two graves, but I know that at least one of them is yours. So have fun in hell.

An Open Closet

Being Open

Tom: Hey, Jackson.

Jackson: Hey bro. So you want to go to the softball game?

Tom: Uh, yeah. Before that I need to talk to you about something.

Jackson: Sure. What’s up?

Tom: Uh. Well, you know that girl I was telling you about.

Adam: Oh yeah! Sara. She sounds awesome. When you gonna hit that?

Tom: (small chuckle and smile) Yeah, well I did.

Roy: What!?! Yes! Hells yeah, buddy! (does a very boy like celebration with the other two) So how was it?

Tom: Better than I thought. Weirder even.

Jackson: Why? She a super freak. (gleefully punches Jackson’s arm)

Roy: Bruh.

Tom: Ugh. No. Well..the thing is..is that Sara...is a guy.

Roy: (slowly loses smile) What.

Tom: Yeah.

Jackson looks Tom up and down. Jackson somewhat scoots his chair away from Tom and then stands up as if trying to understand what just happened.

Jackson: What..do you mean that your..?

Tom: Gay? Yeah. I am.

Adam: Okay, well..okay I get it.

Roy: What!?!

Jackson: Are you sure?

Tom: Yeah. I’ve been sure for a while.

Jackson: No. It’s just that I don’t want you to go to Hell because you chose to gay.

Roy: Dude, I mean, seriously.

Tom: (astonished) What.

Roy: Have you really thought about this?

Adam: Guys...

Jackson: I mean, you know what happens to...those kind of people.

Tom: Those..? I am one of “those people”.

Adam: Okay, Roy. Jackson, let’s...

Jackson: You only think that you are. You know, it was like when I only dated goth girls. It’s a phase. You’ll be fine.

Tom: What!? What are you talking about?

Adam stands in between Tom and Jackson. Roy stands to the side, looking a bit disgusted.

Jackson: You’re not really gay.

Tom: How do you know?

Roy: How can you be sure that you are?

Tom: How are you sure that I’m not? Just because I watch sports and drink beer instead of wearing pastels and going shopping and drinking apple martinis does not mean I’m not gay. How are you so sure that you’re straight?

Jackson: (stuttering) Uh..well I just know. I was born this way.

Tom: So was I!

Jackson: No you weren’t.

Roy: It’s not the same thing.

Tom: How do you know?

Jackson: Because I just do!

Tom: Well, I know!

Jackson: No you don’t! It’s not the same thing!

Tom: How? How is this not the same thing? What makes this so different from anything else? Just because I like boys does not mean that I am tainted or demon spawn or evil. I’m still your best friend.

Jackson: Stay away from me! Are you in love with me?

Tom: No, you moron.

Jackson: Is that why you wanted to tell me?

Tom: No, Jackson…

Jackson: No. No man! I like girls.

Tom: I know. Jackson!

Jackson: What? You know what? Stay away from me, homo.

Roy: Yeah, just back off. And don’t even think about coming to practice tonight.

Jackson: Or ever.

Tom: Really?

Jackson: That’s what you are, isn’t it? That thing you are that you are so proud of. Creep (or Freak)

Roy: Dude, let’s get out of here. I can’t be around it.

Jackson: How can someone be proud of being something like...that?

Tom: Being something like that? I went from their best friend to “it” in 5 seconds just because I came out to them. Jackson and Roy, who have been my best friend since I can remember. We did everything together. We live in the same neighborhood. Well, most people in our school, admittedly does. But I stood next to Roy when he broke his leg. I was the one who let Jackson cheat off of me all through freshman English so that he wouldn’t have to take remedial classes.

And this is how they act. I get it. It’s a lot to take in all at once. But do they really have to talk like that. I am gay, okay? I know it. I didn’t chose to be gay. It’s who I am. And, yes, I know what they say or do to people who are homosexual or transexual. I watch tv and I’ve read the bible even though I’m not religious. But that’s why I was so hesitant to coming out. I was scared of what would happen. I was scared that this would happen. No one wants to lose all of their friends. No one wants to publicly hated. I don’t chose to something that will make people taunt me. I don’t want to go to hell. No one wants to go to hell. It’s not a fun place! But if I am to go there for who I am then so be it.

I have spent too much time in the shadows. I want to be proud of who I am. I am entitled to my own happiness as an American citizen. I am gay and that’s ok!

Jackson, Roy, and Adam unfreeze. Jackson and Roy walk off and Adam walks up to Tom.

Adam: Hey, man. Don’t worry about them. They were always butt faces.

Tom: I see that now.

Adam: You know it took a lot of guts to stand up for yourself and be proud of who you are.

Tom: Thanks.

Adam: No problem man. They just have to realize that there are gay people in the world. But I’d rather have a friend who’s gay then a friend who’s a narrow-minded jerk.

Tom: Me too.

Tom and Adam fist bump and then walk offstage talking about the softball game coming up. The lights dim.

Stacy

Walter Murphey Duke is a highly successful businessman. He works with a very wealthy and well-known corporation called Bold Techtonics. They have been known to give all kinds of well performing technology used in the classroom, hospitals, coffeeshops, and well, just about everyone.

He married Sara Glanding and Mery and Jas were then born. They were a "happy" family. Or as happy as possible. Walter worked to the max. Every minute he would be talking into his bluetooth, looking in folders, and checking his PDA. Sara was as sweet as she possibly could but struggled to keep up with all of the others.

And by others, I mean, the people of whom Walter associated with. He was very frequently invited to go to fine dinners and go golfing at very pretigious country clubs. The family would always have a birthday dinner to go to or a barbeque to attend. A wedding to witness or a funeral with condolences ready to say.

Walter was used to being the best so of course he expected the best. Mery would bring home straight A's and had a 3.8 GPA. Walter would complain how she could have a 4.3 GPA like he did and Mery would be scolded. Jas was on the Lacrosse Team, Football, Basketball, and Wrestling. Walter would talk about how wrestling was a waste of time and that baseball was played by men not little boys who wanted to experiment without experimenting.

And Sara never seemed to be good enough. Her cooking was always disgusting or too creamy. Her hair never bounced the way it was supposed to. And her PhD in Psychology and English seemed to be a joke to Walter.

As if the verbal abuse wasn't enough.

He was never satisfied with anything. Mery would always try her best but it was never good enough for him. If you gave him a million dollars he would demand five million instead. If you had the Olympic Gold Medal in Track then he would why not Track and Field. Nothing ever suited him as good enough. He took whatever he thought should have been his.

Mery learned this the hard way.

One day when Mery was only 12 years old she invited Stacy over to work on a project.

Her father wasn't home at the time as he barely ever was. Stacy and Mery were building a scale model of the digestive system. Stacy stayed over until it was dinner time and then, by the grace of God, Mery's father came home. He put his things in his office, talked on the phone there, then came out of his office in time for pie. He sat down at the head of the table and turned his eyes directly at Stacy.

Why hello there. (Mery's father)

Hi, (Stacy)

Mery, who is this? (Mery's father)

This is Stacy (Mery)

Stacy. Stacy...that is a beautiful name. (Mery's father said)

Thank you. (Stacy)

For a beautiful girl (Mery's father)

Mery's father was never sweet to anyone. Not even Mery's mother or his own mother. He did this when he wanted something in return and that was not a good thing to Mery. She tried her best to keep Stacy away from him since he decided to spend more time at home whenever Stacy was around. He was a better father to Stacy then he was to her. He'd compliment her looks and reward he on getting a B in math. Last time Mery got a B in Math her father grounded her and made her do yard work every weekend until Christmas.

But Mery's father wanted to Stacy's daddy not father. If you know what I mean

It was a problem for Mery because she didn't want something to happen that she would lose her one friend, so when Stacy's 18th birthday rolled around, Mery made sure not to tell her father until he was all the way in Cinncinati doing business. Stacy threw a huge party on Friday night since she was so popular. Mery didn't need to come since she was working on her project for Astronomy. On Saturday Mery came over to help clean and gossip about what happened and who came that they absolutely hated. Stacy's brother got plenty of embarrasing pictures for them to look at. Then around 5 pm they headed to Mery's house.

The both of them camped out on her balcony and then went in her room to chill. Stacy's brother went to get them pizza and tampons when Mery's father came home. They started to watch West Side Story and then Mery fell asleep as she always does in the middle of their sleepovers and Stacy would steal her oreos . While Mery was asleep when her father came in the room. She doesn't know what exactly happened since Stacy never talked about but Mery heard screaming and moaning and then a loud crack sound

She woke up to see Stacy's brother holding Mery's father up by the shoulder of his clothing with Stacy crying behind them with her shirt ripped. Mery's father's nose was gushing with blood that was pouring into his mouth and onto his chin. Stacy was hugging herself in the corner crying as she held her shirt towards her chest.

The realization of what happened to Stacy was too much for Mery to bear.

Stacy stopped hanging out with Mery after that night and things got difficult. Stacy was exiled in everything and no longer popular. Mery was still in the background but was whispered about in the halls and then glanced at as she walked by a group of people. Stacy's brother protected her and got into fights plenty of times with gossiping girls boyfriends.

Mery's father paid an efficient amount of money to keep Stacy quiet and be able to go to Cambridge without any problems. Mery was upset that she lost her friend and that she had to keep her father's secret or else he would make her life miserable.

Once Mery was 17 she got emancipated from her parents and went to live with her brother. Six months later Stacy committed suicide and Mery told her mother about what her father had done.

Mery's mother divorced her father and went to live in Toronto with her sister and Mery hasn't seen her father since then.

aching love

i can't tell you how i feel

it's kind of unexpected

sometimes i wonder if it's just me

or have you felt it

your heart aching at the thought

when you say the person's name

and the wave of emotions it brought

it makes me feel insane

like this can't be possible

to feel this strong about someone else

insides withering, stomach full

of aching love than one shall show their self

and then there's that soothing feeling

it is sweet, calm, and peaceful

then there are the thoughts you start having

that is madly blissful

opaque

i don't know
i mean
gosh i love 

ok 
let me explain

there is a boy
like always
and then a girl

friends there
and long for lasting
right?

to the boy
yes
he is confident
yet oblivious

because he knows of the girl's
conditions
but he doesn't exactly
know
if you follow

now 
he thinks
talking
a little
and something else 
a wave
will do the thing
and she's fine

but no

she thinks
about a lot of things
leaving
walking out on life
living a more purposeful life

you know
normal things
to keep her from thinking about
her
conditions

so they are friends
to the boy
but the girl
it's not the same

she is
smaller
in the business
of trust

of anything
based off of
companionship

it's not her
expertise
she doesn't know

about talking
communicating
things that normal people do

she knows she's not normal
she knows
accepts

but there are things
about the boy
she finds
un-normal

the way he puts his hands to his lips
the way he sits
the way his face scrunches up when he hears something weird
the way he dances (or tried to)
the way his hair is majestic when he runs

but it's not
what she thinks it is
because for a while
she paid attention
to him

just to him
she hid in her shadows
walking out early in the middle of their conversations
to seem uninterested

but she was
then she said
no
this is not the one i want
she said 
no
he is my friend
nothing more
nothing less

there is not use in being interested in someone
who will never show the say interest in you

but when you see that person showing the 
amount of interest you used to show them
in someone else
you start to gain interest again

and then you gain something else
something 
that is not
for you