Muffy Letter Monologue

(Walking about Betty who is tied to a chair) Hey there Betty! How are you? Good. Oh me? I’m great. Just a little giddy. (Giggles hysterically) I have just accomplished one of the things I have been dreaming of just about since freshman year when you pulled my skirt down in front of everyone when I was giving my acceptance speech for Student Council President. But you weren’t always such a little maggot now were you? No. We used to be friends.

     Remember when you first came to kindergarten with that horrible lisp? I was the only person who would sit with during recess and we shared orange slices. It was just you and I up until sixth grade when you got a glorious makeover and a new goal to ruin my life. I mean, you made everyone call me Fugly Heifer instead of Muffy Letter. In the seventh grade when we finally got to take showers, you took my clothes and snapped pictures of me and taped them all over the school. Then you tried to make it seem like I was selling my underwear on eBay. When I got to do my solo in the eighth grade, you had all of the jocks throw raw meat and eggs at my screaming “Heifer! Heifer!” There was that time in freshman year where you photocopied my journal entries and got the literary arts magazine to make its whole March issue about my “mental disabilities”. Then there was that time in tenth grade I got a car and you stuffed dead fish under all of the seats. “I didn’t know that cows ate fish!” (Screams that last line and then calms down)

     But I had something that really pissed you off. Your brother, Roman, who was totally in love with me. We have been secretly together since I was in the fifth grade. Then you couldn’t handle it. So you took me to this party as a way to “make up” for everything. I got a little drunk and then one of your boy toys started to assault (screams that word) me then proceeded to throw me down the stairs. I tried to walk out only to have the lacrosse team shove me around until I puked and you all poured beer on me. But when I went to tell your brother the only thing he saw were pictures of me “making out” with another guy. So you then turned the only person who ever showed me love against me.

     After that all of the pictures on Facebook about my being a trollop and photo shopping my yearbook picture into a Craigslist advertisement. So eventually everything calmed down to my Valedictorian speech on Graduation Day. I gave my speech and at the end a video played of all of my “greatest hits”. It featured my getting assaulted by that boy toy and a slide show of those seventh grade pictures with Jason Derulo playing in the background talking about how I was a horrible example to the next generation. So you asked everyone what we should do about this viral trollop. Then everyone screamed simultaneously “Kill the Heifer!” But who’s going to die today Betty huh? Huh? Who!?!? (Starts to giggle and then laughs that turns into screams and then throws chair and slams table) You did this to yourself. You know that right? You know this is your fault, correct?

     Before I got you I met your precious Brad at a bar. We had an amazing time in the backseat of his car since I know that’s so dear to you. Then I burned the car with him in it. Oh! And you know Darla right? Well I got her too! Yeah, I met her at the gym. She called me Heifer since she doesn’t know my name and then went to take a shower. Well, I made sure she got extra clean. Let’s see, she used Dove soap, a really nice lofa, and a shower of sulfuric acid. And who knew how easy it was to lock shower doors? (Laughs out loud) (Sighs) Now it’s your turn to die. And don’t worry. I’ll make it very very painful. But simple. I can’t take care of everyone else from jail so I need to keep them a little boring.

     Oh, and Betty, you know that I was going to spare you? Yeah, up until I found out that you told Yale all about my little home video. Because you thought it would be cute to tape my first time with your brother and put online. Oh yeah! 8.7 million views and counting! (Beat) You had to do that. You had to kill that one dream of me leaving. What? What was that? You’re sorry? Sorry!?!?! (Goes hysterical) (Goes to turn the valve) Now I’m off to take care of everyone else. And I won’t stop until everyone who participated will feel my wrath. If you do make it out of here, I’ve already arranged an APB out for you. Mentally unstable and will kill for food. I know that in revenge you’ll have to build two graves, but I know that at least one of them is yours. So have fun in hell.