More Than This Emptiness

I’m not happy. ok? i am not. i do not feel happy really or sad or anything. i wish i felt hurt or like crap or at least angry. but i don’t. i don’t really feel anything. i feel empty. like i’m just passing through. it’s really heavy and like i’m walking through a downpour and yet i’m not getting wet. like someone is stabbing my heart but it’s frozen so the pain is numb throbbing feeling in my chest. like i’m just here. honestly the worst kind of sadness is not knowing why you are this way. and it sucks that there is nothing you can do even when you wish you could. i guess i thought i was doing okay but as it turns out i’m not so good.

but sometimes you have to look yourself in the mirror and say “you are more than this emptiness inside of you. you will overcome it and get better. as long you believe that you can, you will.” Always know you matter and that better days are coming. I know what it’s like to want to die. I know. I know what’s it like to want to run into a busy street and hope to God that you do not make it across. But I am telling you that if you feel the same way I do to do one thing for me. Stay. For the good days. And the sunsets. And the people out there who understand. Stay. Just for a little longer. Just to see. We all have to help each other out. Do not sit there and think that no one cares and that no one listens and that no one understands what you are going through. I hate talking about this stuff. I hate it but I’m doing it for anyone who understands what I am saying. Because you are not alone. You are not useless. You can accomplish your goals and find happiness. Don’t give up. Yeah times get hard and there are people who don’t get it. There will be obstacles. But things work out, you know? Even if it doesn’t feel okay for a long time, or even if it feels like things will never be okay again, everything works out in the end. You are perfect. Stop hating your body, your face, your personality, your quirks. Love them. Without those things you wouldn’t be you. Hang on because it gets easier and then it gets okay and then if feels like freedom. You are more beautiful than the scars on your skin and the thoughts in your brain. And I still try to tell myself this and someday I will truly believe it. For me to feel this sad I must have felt so happy. And I will find that feeling again. And so will you. And it will be beautiful.